the power of the F word

The reasons to blog are getting more by the day. I owe you an update and an apology. It feels like all I have done lately is whine about this divorce. I need to accept that this is happening and that many other people have been through this and are still alive.  Great! Actually a great thing happened this past Sunday.
Background: Every Sunday my mother phones me. We talk for half an hour about stuff at church, how things are on the ship and how she and my sister are doing. This is usually the highlight of my week. (We are a very close family!) The 30 minutes usually end up being too short. Well...that was before the divorce. Since the ugliness I have dreaded the calls. Don’t get me wrong, I still love talking to my mom. I just do not like hearing her heart break so many times. I also do not like the feeling of not being able to help her or be there (in South Africa) for her when she needs me the most! For the last four months I have cried through almost every Sunday phone call. But things changed the 23^rd...
Instead of sounding depressed (I recently learnt about the anti depressants my mom took – it shocked me to the core) my mom sounded upbeat and different. She actually made a joke!!!
What changed? Well...easy...she forgave him for treating her like something that needs to be scraped of his shoe. She forgave him completely...she set him free. She doesn’t hold him accountable any more. She is letting her anger go and gave her pain and heart ache to the One who knows it best. It is AMAZING what forgiveness can do. My mother actually challenged me to do the same. The ball is now in my court. Do I go ahead and forgive him? Or do I stay a trapped little bird. Forever caged in my anger and resentment towards him?
So tonight as the urge to cry over this assaulted my heart and tear glands, (Didn’t help that we were watching ‘Father of the Bride’) I made a decision to just let it go. Let go and let God sort out this mess. Let go and let Him use this pain to mould me into the person He wants me to be. To have compassion on those how face similar struggles and to love those who have also been rejected...

So the next post will be divorce-free...anger-free and free of resentment.
Thank you for listening and caring.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad
Thank you for investing in my life. Thank you for doing a good job of teaching me NEVER to easily trust someone with my heart again. Thank you for showing me, from a young age, how to build a wall around my heart.

Your example of treating my mother like dirt and insulting her in public has inspired me to never stoop so low. Your demeaning way of breaking my sister down has encouraged me to protect and appreciate her more.  Your infamous manner of breaking all your promises is pushing me to keep mine.

I want to thank you for always (since i can remember) refusing my love. You have taught me to save it for those who appreciate it. Through your rejection, i have embraced God as my only Father...for that i am truly thankful.

Pappa i wish you well. I pray that God would get His hands on you. I pray that He would soften your ice cold hardened heart and that He would teach you to love. I pray that i will see you in Heaven one day...

Signed:
The daughter who once saw you as her hero