I am down. As in...joining King David in the depths of his despair. Many reasons for feeling so:
A few weeks ago (almost a month) my grandfather - who for all intents and purposes was my dad...passed away. This caught me WAY off guard. I always thought he would be around forever. He was going to be the one to walk me (with the help of my grandmother) down the aisle. I wanted to (oneday) introduce my future husband to him to ask for my hand... I spent hours reading English books to my granddad or telling him stories i collected from around the world. He in return taught me about Jesus and about prayer and about loving people around me. Now he is gone. I went home for the funeral. (Arrived the Tuesday and left again the Sunday). But i didnt really get time to process. No time for myself to sit in a corner and cry my heart out. My heart is truly aching...I have these bursts of crying - just the tip of the iceberg and i fear the day i hit the Titanic!
Add to that the parents divorce. During the funeral time i had the 'joy' (sarcastic sprinkels added to that joy) of living in the same house as my parents. This was one of the coldest places i have been. No emotion. No love...nothing. I felt like a pawn in a sick and twisted game of chess.
Then i come back to the ship and i need to take care of my job. I dont want to dissapoint anyone. My new job (and the main reason for me not blogging for so long) has consumed most of my time lately. I am working with a big team to put on the onboard events and to send out onshore teams. A big and complicated team...
I feel overwhelmed....i AM overwhelmed and in this state i have turned to my old comforting friend: food. After all the work and effort i put in. I have relapsed. I cant stop. I need help. I need support...i need someone to grab me by the shoulders - hug me (not let me go) until i cry my heart out. But i know myself. I will never be open with the people that will go that far. I will continue to put on this mask of strength and collected-ness (i know it is not a word) and save the honesty for the evenings when i cry myself to sleep.
I am drowning in this sea of emotion, in this tornado of craving, in this storm of mourning and i need you to pray...
Add to that the parents divorce. During the funeral time i had the 'joy' (sarcastic sprinkels added to that joy) of living in the same house as my parents. This was one of the coldest places i have been. No emotion. No love...nothing. I felt like a pawn in a sick and twisted game of chess.
Then i come back to the ship and i need to take care of my job. I dont want to dissapoint anyone. My new job (and the main reason for me not blogging for so long) has consumed most of my time lately. I am working with a big team to put on the onboard events and to send out onshore teams. A big and complicated team...
I feel overwhelmed....i AM overwhelmed and in this state i have turned to my old comforting friend: food. After all the work and effort i put in. I have relapsed. I cant stop. I need help. I need support...i need someone to grab me by the shoulders - hug me (not let me go) until i cry my heart out. But i know myself. I will never be open with the people that will go that far. I will continue to put on this mask of strength and collected-ness (i know it is not a word) and save the honesty for the evenings when i cry myself to sleep.
I am drowning in this sea of emotion, in this tornado of craving, in this storm of mourning and i need you to pray...
