Standing up

Yesterday was by far, the worst day of my life. After months of anger and trying to get over this divorce-that-is-still-pending, I finally managed to phone my dad. (On my birthday a few weeks ago– so I showed up to a surprise party with puffy eyes…yes I cried! Wouldn’t you?) His sister decided that the new contact meant I was part of the mud-slinging and tried to recruit me to her corner. She had written a message to me on facebook and this was automatically forwarded to my email. I came to my office, opened my email and was overwhelmed. I had no words, no breath. I went to get tea (me running away from the email) and experienced some sort of a mini-panic attack. There was shortness of breath, fear and as soon as I got back to my office, tears. I cried so much that my eyes were puffy and red within minutes. This email was meant to provoke some sort of a response and it did.
I dried my tears, stopped crying and then went to pray with friends as we do every morning at 09:00. I managed to keep it together until the team leader started to pray. He prayed that God would help us through whatever it is we are facing. The tears started again and soon one tissue just didn’t cut it anymore. He finished the prayer and opened the door to leave. I bolted for the door and went looking for someone I could share with in confidence. I went to my boss’ office. (He would prefer that I rather call him Leader as boss is not all that positive) So I went to my leader’s office in hopes to get some wisdom or hear what to do. Praise the LORD that his wife (and a good friend to me) was there at that moment…
I grabbed her arm and asked her if she has a minute. She had two minutes. Back in my office (5 steps from the other one) I cried and spilled my burnt beans. She knows a bit about the family situation so I could share all the details of the upsetting email with her. She prayed for me…What a good and much needed prayer.
Throughout the day the email sat in my inbox staring at me. Last night after a battle of a day, I went to bed tired and wanting to cry. Hey…I am a girl, if I didn’t cry I would be worried! After the tiring day, I was surprised that I couldn’t sleep. I got back up, logged on to facebook. (With the slow connection it took 5 attempts to get to the message) and then I responded. For the first time in my life, I did not care about the other person’s feelings. I had to protect my heart. It was me or her. My heart or her revenge. So I wrote the most direct email I have ever written (I honestly do not remember writing something like this before). Afterward my heart was less heavy, my backbone a bit stronger (it has been growing) and peace was heading back. I was standing up…for me.