Confessions of a soon-to-be-reformed comfort eater

Confession time…

I always prided myself on being a comfort eater. It is not the best thing to be proud of! Over the last few days God has brought me to the point where I see it (comfort eating) for what it is, sin. It took me a lifetime to get here. Seriously. I have been on almost every diet South Africa has to offer. I have had the drops you add to tea that takes your appetite away. Did the high protein diet where I lost 30 kgs for the Matric Farewell (and gained it slowly over the next 2 years). I have starved myself to the point of fainting because I believed that that is what the world finds attractive. Skinny, hungry ladies who look good in kids sized dresses. Being a people pleaser did not help. It took one old gentlemen in my church to push me over the edge. Coming back from Doulos after she was decommissioned (very emotional time=comfort eating) he turned to me and said: “Wow…you have gained a LOT of wait”. I didn’t eat for the next week…well I did, but it was 5 provitas in the morning, and 5 in the evening.

As I looked at the pictures of our break I was disgusted at what I saw. How did I let this get SO out of hand? I started thinking back and realised where it had gone wrong. It started on furlough 2008. There was a guy I was totally in love with. Yes…part of the story has to include the truth. Before I left the ship, I asked him what he wanted from my home country. He answered ‘just bring back yourself’. These words sent my heart racing and inspired a very beautiful artwork. Weeks into my time at home I got a phone call from my bestest friend explaining that he is in a relationship with another girl onboard. (we call it SP…long story). I remember talking with her for a few more minutes, then running to the fridge once we said goodbye. From there my eating habits changed. How else was I to mend my very shattered heart? I tore up the artwork. (picture attached) Even after venting through pencil I did not feel better. I turned to the open arm of my trusted kelvinator fridge. When my stomach was full, I was happy. While eating I was so enthralled by the tastes that my mind did not turn to my aching heart. I was distracted…it lasted 3 times a day. Add the cupboard raids in-between meals and you have trouble.

I returned to the ship and avoided my friend. It only lasted so long because he was such a good friend and I did not want to lose him because of my little crush (which was not so little!). To make a long story short I did eventually get over the ‘not-so-little’ crush. My friend is getting married soon to one of the most precious ladies I know and I am so happy for them.

Fast forward to the end of Doulos and another eating frenzy begins. I still have not really dealt with the hundreds of goodbyes and the many many tears I wanted to cry but didn’t. The Doulos has been my home for 4 years. I found friendship and acceptance there. God taught me so many lessons there… I also found Carl’s Jr, KFC, MacDonald’s and the Singaporean food court during those last months. Once back in South Africa I was confronted with the issues back home and found comfort in Cadbury, Fritos, Fanta, pizza and many other non-rice dishes. The story goes on and on…

Saturday night I was reading the daily encouragement that is sent out by one of my newly discovered websites. (http://www.crosswalk.com/) Up to that point I had been crying about my weight and making jokes in an attempt for others not to make fun of me. Sort of beating them to the chase. I wanted to change, I wanted to turn to God. I wanted Him to fill the holes in my little life. I didn’t want to run to food to fill my desires, wait for a husband to fill those holes or find comfort in unhealthy or unbalanced friendships. I wanted God. I needed God. I was in need of help. At the bottom of that day’s encouragement I found a link to a website that I believe will change my life. This lady writing it had similar struggles. ( http://madetocrave.org/) I signed up to the 21 day challenge. I want God to be the One I crave. The One I turn to when life is throwing stones at me. (This has been happening way too often lately!) I am on day 5 of the challenge and I have discovered many truths as I reflected on the daily challenge.

1) I can not blame anyone for my weight. I am the one that let it get out of hand.

2) I am overweigh physically and underweight spiritually

3) God made me for more than this failure…

4) I have to turn to the Truth in the moment my cravings tempt me.

5) God will help me through this.

So friends, please pray for me as I seek God in these cravings. Pray that I will seek God when life gets to hard to handle…