Lately I feel like the devil has nothing else to do...so he picks on me. I am struggling at work. (I even have dreams of drowning.) I am working with friends and sometimes that can be more of a curse than a blessing. When friends have a stronger personality and if you are spineless like me, it is tough. I have been wanting to quit for the last 4 days. Everyday I reach a point where it gets too much and I start writing my 'resignation letter'. But then God comes and sends a friend to talk to me at that moment. Or a random bear shaped cake appears that not all the people I work with walk over me and treat me like a piece of gum stuck to their shoe.
Yes world...I am discouraged. What else is new!?
Today I was convicted by the book 'Spiritual Leadership' where Oswald Chambers asks whether you can be a leader. I am convinced this chapter was written for me. Most of the tough questions he asked helped me to see how much more I was lacking. Again he underlined that only with the help of the Holy Spirit can God turn us into spiritual leaders.
Fast forward an hour after a meeting where we discussed this. I was whining to my 'boss' (on the ship we call them leaders as the word 'boss' has such a negative history). So there I was pouring my heart out when he (a solid man of God) said nothing. Just listened. I then thought back to the chapter we had read earlier and mentioned to him that I was lacking. Still I did not pray that God would save me from this conflict.
Fast forward another 4 hours and I check my emails after prayer night onboard. My 'friend' (who is quickly becoming the blinding headache I experience every day) sent me another scathing email. I am in my cabin crying. It seems that my efforts at supporting my friend is seen as mothering. I do not know what to do. If I could quit I would. But I cant because I love the people I work with too much to do that to them. My heart is unhappy and I am drowning. LORD help me...I can't anymore...
