Song for Today: Beautiful Day

Today marks the beginning on the road to restoration. I have had enough of the over-eating. Enough of the negativity. Enough of the distance. Enough.

Today started at 05:30 when I went walking. Powerwalking. I will be paying for it the next few days. But I can already feel the difference. MY attitude is sunnier, my food choices are more careful and my body aches! J Tomorrow morning we will do the same…

Why the title? Well this is such an awesome song which beautifully summarizes my day so far. It IS a beautiful day, do NOT let it get away!

one year

I have been dreading this day for a weeks.

Last week I didn’t want it to come.

The weekend it was the big mountain ahead of me.

Today I am struggling to maintain the façade.

One year.

Three hundred and sixty five days.

Fifty two weeks.

Litres and litres of tears shed.

A single year…it feels like 20 but also just 2 days.

So far I have made it through the day without crying.

So far…

I feel like this little fact should be something to be proud of.

But I am not.

I don’t want people to know how much it STILL hurts – after a year.

I want to be strong.

For them,

For me.

In my heart I know that Oupa is in a much better place.

I just miss him so much…

 

I want to say something to finish this post on a profound note, but all I can muster up at this point is knowing that God will get me through this next year too.

 

 

Yet again...

I realise that I have not been posting for a while. Thanks for asking and inquiring if all is well. It was not. It took me a very long time to work through the death of my beloved Grandfather. I am still not 100% over it. Just last month we would have celebrated his birthday…I spend the day before it crying my eyes red! This month reminds me that it is a YEAR that he has been gone. A year that I have missed him so…a year that he has been with JESUS! That brings me comfort.

So I did not post as I was in a very dark place (hence the dark backgrounds). With my creativity comes a very sensitive emotional side. My emotions led me to a dark and depressed state. I stopped drawing, stopped writing and stopped blogging. I went home on furlough earlier this year and literally sat around doing very little. I slept, cried and beaded. Wait…that is a half truth. I also ate…I ate a LOT. I ate when I felt sad and when I felt more sad.

I now find myself in that good old familiar (and to put it bluntly) fat state.

I am overweight – again.

I am comfort eating – again.

I am making promises to Mondays and seeing them go – again.

 

And I am FED UP with it.

 

I mean I am turning to food and NOT God…food has become my idol. How lah? After I had worked so hard…God had worked so hard through me. Here I am a betrayer…an Israelite infront of my golden calf!

I want to change! I need to change!

 

Liewe Oupa/Dear Grandpa

I miss you so much.
My heart can't stop missing you...

My head still thinks you are waiting back home.

My mind's eye still sees you sitting in your blue chair.

 

LORD help me to get through this...

down...

I am down. As in...joining King David in the depths of his despair. Many reasons for feeling so:

A few weeks ago (almost a month) my grandfather - who for all intents and purposes was my dad...passed away. This caught me WAY off guard. I always thought he would be around forever. He was going to be the one to walk me (with the help of my grandmother) down the aisle. I wanted to (oneday) introduce my future husband to him to ask for my hand... I spent hours reading English books to my granddad or telling him stories i collected from around the world. He in return taught me about Jesus and about prayer and about loving people around me. Now he is gone. I went home for the funeral. (Arrived the Tuesday and left again the Sunday). But i didnt really get time to process. No time for myself to sit in a corner and cry my heart out. My heart is truly aching...I have these bursts of crying - just the tip of the iceberg and i fear the day i hit the Titanic!

Add to that the parents divorce. During the funeral time i had the 'joy' (sarcastic sprinkels added to that joy) of living in the same house as my parents. This was one of the coldest places i have been. No emotion. No love...nothing. I felt like a pawn in a sick and twisted game of chess.

Then i come back to the ship and i need to take care of my job. I dont want to dissapoint anyone. My new job (and the main reason for me not blogging for so long) has consumed most of my time lately. I am working with a big team to put on the onboard events and to send out onshore teams. A big and complicated team...

I feel overwhelmed....i AM overwhelmed and in this state i have turned to my old comforting friend: food. After all the work and effort i put in. I have relapsed. I cant stop. I need help. I need support...i need someone to grab me by the shoulders - hug me (not let me go) until i cry my heart out. But i know myself. I will never be open with the people that will go that far. I will continue to put on this mask of strength and collected-ness (i know it is not a word) and save the honesty for the evenings when i cry myself to sleep.

I am drowning in this sea of emotion, in this tornado of craving, in this storm of mourning and i need you to pray...

in my angered state...

It is close to midnight.
My good intention is now overshadowed by the anger that is swimming in my heart.
How dare people judge my parents?
I am not stupid.
I know what the Bible says about divorce.
But I grew up in that house.
I listened to those fights.
I heard my mom cry.
I saw my dads empty face.
I was a witness…

 

Yes, they both hurt.
Not just my mom.
Not just my dad.
They BOTH hurt.
Do you hear me?
BOTH!
There were two people in that relationship.
One left it years ago and later filed for a divorce.
Now they blame the one who tried to fight.
The one who tried to make it work.
The one who gave up and later died a slow emotional death.

 

You…the one who thinks you know what this is about.
You…stop!
Stop judging what you do not understand.
You are driving people away.
Stop throwing your stones of doubt in my heart.
I get enough of that from the pitchfork man.
And once and for all…
STOP DOING THIS and saying it is in Jesus’ Name.

Jesus is here!!
He knows more than you do.
His heart is hurting – just like mine.
Yes, He condemns it.
But lucky for me and my parents:
He died for this on the Cross too…

 

Artwork - part 3

Progress…

 

This divorce is hurting. And I am not even one of the people getting the divorce. It breaks my heart to see what my parents are going through. I HATE IT!

 

PS: My camera is dying…so the pictures are getting worse. Hope you can still see the detail!

'if you could only see' - parts 1 & 2

I have been wanting to blog for over a week now. Many things have entered my mind and many blog entries wrote themselves in my head. I have also had a pressing artwork in mind for a long time now. Last night I sat down (after ‘watching’ the stormers lose on Beeld updates) and started the piece. It is entitled…’if you could see into my heart’.

It is still in pieces. The drawing of the shirt is the top layer. The ‘whole’ will be cut out and be like a window. Through this ‘window’ you will then see the second picture…the read one. For some reason it looks like there is a fire on my dad’s head. This drawing is not done yet. It is supposed to look like a broken piece. Once it is completed, I will post it too.

My sister is swine-symptoms free! Thanks for praying! Please keep the parents in your prayer – it is not civil any more!

 

I don't know why I do it.

Yes I am avoiding you.
No its not because I have changed my mind.
Tomorrow I will speak to you.
Wait…
No, I am too nervous. Didn’t you see my almost spill my tea when you said ‘Hey’ at lunch?
Prayer night?
Yes I was there.
I wanted to go over there and pray for you but my courage couldn’t lift me off my chair.
I stayed in my seat and prayed – long distance.
Maybe it is just all in my head since you havent said a word…

 

And in other news…
My little and only sister (who I refer to as C) has been diagnosed with ‘Swine flu symptoms’. When I read the email I shook my head. I have two options. Pull a JOB (the one in the Bible, not job as in work) or pull a HABAKUK (surprisingly you didn’t confuse that one!). I can sit in a heap and cry ‘o God why me, this year sucked’ or I can stand up and shout at the top of my lungs ‘Yet I will praise the LORD…’ I am choosing option B. I know God has  a reason for this. I pray that He will meet her there, in her bed and reach her heart. Please pray with me.

 

Oorwinning!

This is the word we use in Afrikaans for when someone has beaten something. Maybe conquer is the better word. Or victory…Well you get the point. I just returned from Ship shop. (our onboard shop that is stacked full of yummy chocolate, cookies, Pringles and so many other delicious goodies.) I went up there to get a snack. By snack I mean the healthier option – nuts. First I stopped by my accountable friend to see if she was available to go to the ship shop with me, but she was busy. I had to do this on my own. So I climbed all twelve stairs and turned right at the top. Then  as short left. As soon as I got to deck 7 I ducked into the Library and decided to get another book to read. I was stalling. I drew courage from somewhere (has to be Jesus because I prayed about food and my problems with it just last night – and He knows my heart). So I walked up to the not-too-friendly-ship-shop girl and asked her for a bag of peanuts and a small packet of Doritos. Then I reversed and ran down the stairs before the chocolate voices reached my ears.

So here I am sitting in my office without chocolate. Oorwinning! Victory! Beaten! Yay!

31 + 4 = -1(12)

For the last 35 days I have been challenging my eating habits. I have failed a few times and given in to the cake (Sunday is cake day!) but only had ‘pre-planned’ chocolate 3 times. I am feeling so good about myself at the moment and I hope that this lifestyle will not fade. I will try my best to keep going. To date I have lost a total of 12 kilograms (not all of it during the 35 days, a bit before) and I am keeping track I still have 36 weeks to go. (The chart where I keep track allows for 40 weeks). Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Once we leave this port where restrictions keep us from walking in the morning (the quayside is slippery – I fell already) we will get back to exercising.

Now that I am taking not thinking so much about the food anymore, I hope to focus on my spiritual life as well. This morning I read a verse that blew my mind. It is in Psalm 17 the very last verse. It says:

 

¹⁵ As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
         I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness.

 

I was talking to one of my friends about this yesterday…I don’t want to be satisfied with my spiritual walk until I reach heaven… Watch this space. God is working!

 

Testing the soapbox

Yesterday I got on my soapbox and preached perseverance. An hour later mine was tested. I was 2 seconds away from failing were it not for the blessing of friends.

Lately I have been emailing my sister quite regularly. She is stuck in the middle of this divorce with no one to turn to. (God is there…I keep telling her). She is not taking it well. I listened to the stories drenched in pain. My heart started to ache and I just couldn’t take it anymore. To make matters worse, I was asked to share a short message to a group of teens about ‘family’. How can I share about that when mine is such a shining example of not being one! I stared at the blank page for 2 hours. Got up to go ask a question to my friend and broke down in her office instead.

I am going through such a big thing at the moment. God has been doing some amazing things in my life and I would like to share it with them. But how can I share joy to people who can only see the empty glass? They are not ready for it. I cried because they are three people going through the exact same thing and they are not talking to each other. I cried because my mom and sister no longer talk to each other. They were once inseparable. I cried because they all hurt so much and they are running in the wrong directions…O LORD HELP THEM PLEASE!

At the end of the day I had to go and babysit one of my dearest little friends. She is three years old and possibly on of the cutest little girls alive! It was here that I realised the point of the message I was to give the next day. As I sat there next to her playing with magical wooden blocks constructing kitty-baths, I was amazed at how much she felt like family. (okay so for some of you this might be a ‘duh’ moment but my family history aint the brightest Manet-painting – more like a Jackson Pollock). This time with Tessa was great. It lifted my spirit and gave me hope…

 

So today I just finished the message. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have lived through. Thirty seven youth between the ages of 13 – 17! But we connected and I hope and pray that they got the point… I praise the LORD for giving me this opportunity. As a very wise friend said afterward: “It is now in God’s Hands”.