tatters

So there I was, sitting in the prayer night. I was praying that God would show me the state of my heart. We haven’t really done that since Doulos. I would go into every prayer night and draw what God showed me. Sometimes about myself, sometimes about other things. Mostly things I needed to work on. Last night as I sat there, this picture above is what God showed me. My heart is in many different pieces…in tatters. It is hanging all over the place where everyone can see. He is the only One that can mend it…

Standing up

Yesterday was by far, the worst day of my life. After months of anger and trying to get over this divorce-that-is-still-pending, I finally managed to phone my dad. (On my birthday a few weeks ago– so I showed up to a surprise party with puffy eyes…yes I cried! Wouldn’t you?) His sister decided that the new contact meant I was part of the mud-slinging and tried to recruit me to her corner. She had written a message to me on facebook and this was automatically forwarded to my email. I came to my office, opened my email and was overwhelmed. I had no words, no breath. I went to get tea (me running away from the email) and experienced some sort of a mini-panic attack. There was shortness of breath, fear and as soon as I got back to my office, tears. I cried so much that my eyes were puffy and red within minutes. This email was meant to provoke some sort of a response and it did.
I dried my tears, stopped crying and then went to pray with friends as we do every morning at 09:00. I managed to keep it together until the team leader started to pray. He prayed that God would help us through whatever it is we are facing. The tears started again and soon one tissue just didn’t cut it anymore. He finished the prayer and opened the door to leave. I bolted for the door and went looking for someone I could share with in confidence. I went to my boss’ office. (He would prefer that I rather call him Leader as boss is not all that positive) So I went to my leader’s office in hopes to get some wisdom or hear what to do. Praise the LORD that his wife (and a good friend to me) was there at that moment…
I grabbed her arm and asked her if she has a minute. She had two minutes. Back in my office (5 steps from the other one) I cried and spilled my burnt beans. She knows a bit about the family situation so I could share all the details of the upsetting email with her. She prayed for me…What a good and much needed prayer.
Throughout the day the email sat in my inbox staring at me. Last night after a battle of a day, I went to bed tired and wanting to cry. Hey…I am a girl, if I didn’t cry I would be worried! After the tiring day, I was surprised that I couldn’t sleep. I got back up, logged on to facebook. (With the slow connection it took 5 attempts to get to the message) and then I responded. For the first time in my life, I did not care about the other person’s feelings. I had to protect my heart. It was me or her. My heart or her revenge. So I wrote the most direct email I have ever written (I honestly do not remember writing something like this before). Afterward my heart was less heavy, my backbone a bit stronger (it has been growing) and peace was heading back. I was standing up…for me.

I wish...

 (I was emotional when I wrote this…still am. The picture is not that great. Not one of my best but I needed to get it out of my head and on to paper. Maybe something better will come from this. Watch this space)

This is what the text says:

i wish i could just close my eyes...
open it...
and be back in the place where things are normal,
where family are civil,
where loved ones don’t judge,
Instead i am here
away from all the pain
yet suffocating in it
i am here
where sad thoughts cloud my joy
and loneliness crowd my heart
i am away
i am afraid
i am all Yours...

 

Instead of anger...inspiration

I wrote a few days ago that I feel that I am being picked on…I know now…I have been struggling in this job since the day I said yes! Recently I have been crying more and more and even wrote a few ‘resignation’ letters. Today as someone made yet another comment that was a low blow. I take pride in my work. I might not be the best administrator, or the best ‘on-top-of-everything’ person, but I LOVE supporting my friends on assignment. They appreciate the support. It is the ship’s people that upset my heart so much.

So I am choosing to focus on things that inspire me:

Here is a list of 10:

 

10) Funky business cards, letterheads, flyers…any printed matter.

9) People’s faces. There are some faces with so much ‘character’ (directly translated from my mother tongue) that I always feel the need to grab a pencil and start drawing.

8) Google images. It’s amazing! The other day I searched for some ‘autumn skies’ pictures and another world opened up. I recently came across an amazing blog and this has lead to my ‘daily art/doodle’ posts!

7) Music. Some songs just get into my bones and drive me to create new art pieces. My favourite one at the moment is one by Keane “The frog prince”. Others include any U2 song, Coldplay, Lifehouse, Just Jinjer (SA band – check them out…SO GOOD!) oh and do not forget Jesus Culture (another awesome band); Joe Niemand (Also SA) and Phil Whickham.

6) Books…mmmm…two words: Ted Dekker. Most of his books are so inspiring. I love the circle! Some Francine Rivers titles also make it onto the list.

5) Graffiti. Some say that this is defacing public property but they obviously do not know talent when they see it. (Sorry if you think it is not art). I have been intrigued by this art form since driving through Auckland NZ in 2008 and seeing some beautiful pieces around. Amazing…

4) Art Shops. There is something about new pencils, new brushes, fresh paint, blank canvasses, new sketchbooks and pens that just make me want to grab supplies and lock myself up in a place where I can paint to my heart’s content! I got a voucher for my birthday. I had to spend it at an art shop and literally spent an hour there looking through everything. I left the shop with masking fluid, fine liners, gouache paper and new brushes. J I have been painting almost every day this week!

3) Movies: Moulin Rouge, Gladiator, Step Up, Avatar, Ever After, A-team, Alice in Wonderland, The Proposal, Paparazzi, Pirates of the Caribbean…man any ABOVE THE BELT movie done in good taste. J

2) Other artworks…enough said.

1) God…this is not an attempt to be spiritual or anything. Have you seen the sunsets? Rainbows? Thunder and Lightning? New Zealand??????????????? South Africa???? The open seas???? Amazing? And I get to be creative in my little pieces, trying to capture a bit of this awesomeness.

 

(Posted via email. And the picture is just me having some fun)

14 March 2011

I like this one more

Double doodle!

So I am trying hard to keep this blog running. J

 

Thanks to one of the best birthday gifts ever (not exaggerating…I have never received such a great and inspiring birthday gift before) I am inspired and encouraged to be arty again. J

 

My ‘daily artwrok’ for the 11^th has carried over and I am STILL busy with it. Luckily today I had the opportunity to sit in training and needed something to help keep my concentrate. These pieces are the result. ( I still have to add some final gold touches) One more then the project is almost complete. Then I need to send it half way around the world! Any advice on posting paintings???

 

 

Doodle for 11 March

Okay so this is a bit more than a doodle. J

It is a gift to someone who is such an inspiration to me.

Two more will follow once I complete this one.

Watch this space. It will come soon!

(I like this posting via email…)

doodles so far

So as promised,

Here are some of the projects I am thinking about. (note the many incomplete ones!)

 

 

latest projects

So I have been inspired by an amazing blog lately. In it, the lady shares about her struggles in finishing personal artworks, she shows some of it and posts some links to other artists as well. I felt so convicted. I know God has gifted me with a creative spirit. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am an artist because there are so many people out there who are more talented than I am. But I am so grateful for the talents God has given me.

 

As a result of reading the blog, I decided to follow her example and make a little drawing every day. Mine will be different in subject as I mainly draw what God is showing me about Himself, or my personal issues I need His help with. I will start to put these up in the next few days. I also worked on a t-shirt design for our visit to Sri Lanka and also finished the one for our visit to the AP region. These I will also post later.

 

Thanks for being there for me and reading this randomly updated blog. I hope to get better at it…

 

(Sent via email)