what a deurmekaar spul!

I started this post yesterday.
Today I am wearing a trophy. I am wearing a shirt that was too small a month ago. I know because it is one of my favourite shirts and it did not fit when I desperately tried it on a month ago. But today…today it fits. I didn’t even have to jump off my closet to fit it in it! J No vacuum packing here! I fit in and I still have room for aircon! So far I have lost around 10kgs. I fear that all those kilograms were stored around my waist as that is the area that was previously vacuum packed!  No longer…

But still…
Still I have this tendency to give up. On day 22 of the change-of-life I was off. I ate a whole packet of peanuts and justified it by saying ‘it is healthier than chocolate’! Yeah right! That night I was sickened at how quickly I gave in. I decided then and there that I do not want to be “the one that came so close but then gave up”. So I plucked out my food journal and started to map out the next few weeks. I was determined to be strong. To see this through. To not give up. Until…
06:00 am and we were supposed to be on the quayside already! But Caroline was not there. She is the one that sets the pace and keeps the time. In some institutions she is the warden. Here she is the friend with rights…Rights to refuse me chocolate. Rights to tell me to stop eating. Rights to push me when I want to give up. This morning she was not there. I was not going to wake her up. That is something you are not allowed to do. Its like voluntarily jumping in with piranhas! (Not that she is one – but I would never risk my life like that! Plus she has warned many not to go there…) I wanted to give up. I wanted to go to bed. But I was determined to walk. But not to determined. In my sinful giving up mode I was set on only walking for 30 minutes if it even got that far. But Bethany (with a 50% knee – because its hurting) had other plans. We walked for 40 minutes. No Warden…I felt so proud of us since we did walk even though it is not our favourite thing to do. And we managed to do it without Caroline! ( I like her – my point is just that I had to ‘prove’ that I was not going to give up!)
PLUS:
My heart is soaring. Captain Jack Sparrow recently described it as ‘stirrings’. I do not know how I can be this honest in this email/post yet not be so honest with the people I need to be. Long story…
And not to mention:
In spite of all the good things happening in my life right now, home is still where my pain lies. The issues back home are just a mess. I feel like a pawn in a very VERY sick and twisted version of chess. (This is where the idea for the artwork started). I am in the middle of everything. My dad hurts. I hear it. My mom hurts. I hear it. My sister hurts. I hear it. I hurt…they can’t see it. I trust that God will sort out this issue. I honestly do. When it gets tougher and I want to cry more, I have to remind myself that God WILL use this for His glory. When I want to give up, I need to remind myself (as God recently taught me) to just put one foot in front of the other and march on. He has got my back! He will take care of me, my heart and my family.

PS: Deurmekaar spul translates to ‘mess’ but that is just too strong a word for my life now.