doodles so far

So as promised,

Here are some of the projects I am thinking about. (note the many incomplete ones!)

 

 

latest projects

So I have been inspired by an amazing blog lately. In it, the lady shares about her struggles in finishing personal artworks, she shows some of it and posts some links to other artists as well. I felt so convicted. I know God has gifted me with a creative spirit. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I am an artist because there are so many people out there who are more talented than I am. But I am so grateful for the talents God has given me.

 

As a result of reading the blog, I decided to follow her example and make a little drawing every day. Mine will be different in subject as I mainly draw what God is showing me about Himself, or my personal issues I need His help with. I will start to put these up in the next few days. I also worked on a t-shirt design for our visit to Sri Lanka and also finished the one for our visit to the AP region. These I will also post later.

 

Thanks for being there for me and reading this randomly updated blog. I hope to get better at it…

 

(Sent via email)

Thank you for your friendship...

Lately I feel like the devil has nothing else to do...so he picks on me. I am struggling at work. (I even have dreams of drowning.) I am working with friends and sometimes that can be more of a curse than a blessing. When friends have a stronger personality and if you are spineless like me, it is tough. I have been wanting to quit for the last 4 days. Everyday I reach a point where it gets too much and I start writing my 'resignation letter'. But then God comes and sends a friend to talk to me at that moment. Or a random bear shaped cake appears that not all the people I work with walk over me and treat me like a piece of gum stuck to their shoe.

Yes world...I am discouraged. What else is new!?

Today I was convicted by the book 'Spiritual Leadership' where Oswald Chambers asks whether you can be a leader. I am convinced this chapter was written for me. Most of the tough questions he asked helped me to see how much more I was lacking. Again he underlined that only with the help of the Holy Spirit can God turn us into spiritual leaders.

 

Fast forward an hour after a meeting where we discussed this. I was whining to my 'boss' (on the ship we call them leaders as the word 'boss' has such a negative history). So there I was pouring my heart out when he (a solid man of God) said nothing. Just listened. I then thought back to the chapter we had read earlier and mentioned to him that I was lacking. Still I did not pray that God would save me from this conflict.

 

Fast forward another 4 hours and I check my emails after prayer night onboard. My 'friend' (who is quickly becoming the blinding headache I experience every day) sent me another scathing email. I am in my cabin crying. It seems that my efforts at supporting my friend is seen as mothering. I do not know what to do. If I could quit I would. But I cant because I love the people I work with too much to do that to them. My heart is unhappy and I am drowning. LORD help me...I can't anymore...

 

 

work in progress

So a little background about this piece. The body is done (yes without the hands...it is meant to be that way!) The head is the part that needs work. It will be a puppet on a string. Once it is done I will post it. :)

Till then, have fun trying to figure out what is going on!

PS: Shout out to Jane and Simon who live on my bathroom door!

popping in

No...I was not swallowed up by the black hole in my emails. I have just not been blogging because I knew where it was heading. A few months ago I wrote about the F-word. Back then the divorce was still civil. Now it will make Bold and Beautiful look like a church production! It saddens me to say that. Man...See this is why I didn't want to blog. Once you start it is like the floodgates open...

 

So...back on the adventures. I am drawing again. Maybe not all pretty hearts and rainbows. Emotional drawing. My easel comes in the shape of my bathroom door! :) I will post a picture later.

 

This post was meant to send some pictures to you in blogland...

Hope they come through! :)

 

I will write some more later!

Christmas blessings

I just wrote a whole essay on my feelings about Christmas and decided against posting it.

 

I hope you all had a GREAT Christmas…

 

Much love from sea

Happy Birthday!

Today is my dad's birthday. The whole day this has been on my mind. I could not stop thinking about it. So after lunch I went up to get a phone card so I could phone him. Now from experience I can tell you that this was not going to be pleasant. Every year since I joined the Doulos I phoned him. Well I tried to phone him. He either switched off his phone or he didn't answer. When he did it was so awkward that I wished I did not phone. This year was no different. I paid 10 USD which is about the equivalent of R80. I phoned and the kind lady said that "The number that you have dialled is not available - please try again later". I listened and tried again later. After the second attempt I texted/smsed my mother to hear what my dad's number is. Her response: He changed it and he refuses to give it to us. Me being the emotional person that I am, needs to get this out...

 

Dear Dad, you where not available. I miss you. With all the anger and hurt inside I don't particularly like you at the moment but I still love you. I hope you have a great birthday. May God get His hands on you in this year. Much love. xxx

scenes from Malta

Dearest Friends,

 

I realise that I have been out of contact for some time now. I recently found a friend's email where she explained how to email directly to the blog. Since I spend about 90% of my day answering emails this is something I think I can do. Who has the patience to wait for this super slow internet to load a single page?

 

So here you go...some pictures of my time in Malta. Some of my dearest Doulos friends came to visit. We did not have that much time together because I was caught up at work. *Sadness*
But I did manage to take a day off close to the end and visit 'fontanelli's'. (The pizza picture)

 

Well I hope this works!

More pictures are coming!

half art

the power of the F word

The reasons to blog are getting more by the day. I owe you an update and an apology. It feels like all I have done lately is whine about this divorce. I need to accept that this is happening and that many other people have been through this and are still alive.  Great! Actually a great thing happened this past Sunday.
Background: Every Sunday my mother phones me. We talk for half an hour about stuff at church, how things are on the ship and how she and my sister are doing. This is usually the highlight of my week. (We are a very close family!) The 30 minutes usually end up being too short. Well...that was before the divorce. Since the ugliness I have dreaded the calls. Don’t get me wrong, I still love talking to my mom. I just do not like hearing her heart break so many times. I also do not like the feeling of not being able to help her or be there (in South Africa) for her when she needs me the most! For the last four months I have cried through almost every Sunday phone call. But things changed the 23^rd...
Instead of sounding depressed (I recently learnt about the anti depressants my mom took – it shocked me to the core) my mom sounded upbeat and different. She actually made a joke!!!
What changed? Well...easy...she forgave him for treating her like something that needs to be scraped of his shoe. She forgave him completely...she set him free. She doesn’t hold him accountable any more. She is letting her anger go and gave her pain and heart ache to the One who knows it best. It is AMAZING what forgiveness can do. My mother actually challenged me to do the same. The ball is now in my court. Do I go ahead and forgive him? Or do I stay a trapped little bird. Forever caged in my anger and resentment towards him?
So tonight as the urge to cry over this assaulted my heart and tear glands, (Didn’t help that we were watching ‘Father of the Bride’) I made a decision to just let it go. Let go and let God sort out this mess. Let go and let Him use this pain to mould me into the person He wants me to be. To have compassion on those how face similar struggles and to love those who have also been rejected...

So the next post will be divorce-free...anger-free and free of resentment.
Thank you for listening and caring.

Dear Dad

Dear Dad
Thank you for investing in my life. Thank you for doing a good job of teaching me NEVER to easily trust someone with my heart again. Thank you for showing me, from a young age, how to build a wall around my heart.

Your example of treating my mother like dirt and insulting her in public has inspired me to never stoop so low. Your demeaning way of breaking my sister down has encouraged me to protect and appreciate her more.  Your infamous manner of breaking all your promises is pushing me to keep mine.

I want to thank you for always (since i can remember) refusing my love. You have taught me to save it for those who appreciate it. Through your rejection, i have embraced God as my only Father...for that i am truly thankful.

Pappa i wish you well. I pray that God would get His hands on you. I pray that He would soften your ice cold hardened heart and that He would teach you to love. I pray that i will see you in Heaven one day...

Signed:
The daughter who once saw you as her hero