Testing the soapbox

Yesterday I got on my soapbox and preached perseverance. An hour later mine was tested. I was 2 seconds away from failing were it not for the blessing of friends.

Lately I have been emailing my sister quite regularly. She is stuck in the middle of this divorce with no one to turn to. (God is there…I keep telling her). She is not taking it well. I listened to the stories drenched in pain. My heart started to ache and I just couldn’t take it anymore. To make matters worse, I was asked to share a short message to a group of teens about ‘family’. How can I share about that when mine is such a shining example of not being one! I stared at the blank page for 2 hours. Got up to go ask a question to my friend and broke down in her office instead.

I am going through such a big thing at the moment. God has been doing some amazing things in my life and I would like to share it with them. But how can I share joy to people who can only see the empty glass? They are not ready for it. I cried because they are three people going through the exact same thing and they are not talking to each other. I cried because my mom and sister no longer talk to each other. They were once inseparable. I cried because they all hurt so much and they are running in the wrong directions…O LORD HELP THEM PLEASE!

At the end of the day I had to go and babysit one of my dearest little friends. She is three years old and possibly on of the cutest little girls alive! It was here that I realised the point of the message I was to give the next day. As I sat there next to her playing with magical wooden blocks constructing kitty-baths, I was amazed at how much she felt like family. (okay so for some of you this might be a ‘duh’ moment but my family history aint the brightest Manet-painting – more like a Jackson Pollock). This time with Tessa was great. It lifted my spirit and gave me hope…

 

So today I just finished the message. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have lived through. Thirty seven youth between the ages of 13 – 17! But we connected and I hope and pray that they got the point… I praise the LORD for giving me this opportunity. As a very wise friend said afterward: “It is now in God’s Hands”.

 

what a deurmekaar spul!

I started this post yesterday.
Today I am wearing a trophy. I am wearing a shirt that was too small a month ago. I know because it is one of my favourite shirts and it did not fit when I desperately tried it on a month ago. But today…today it fits. I didn’t even have to jump off my closet to fit it in it! J No vacuum packing here! I fit in and I still have room for aircon! So far I have lost around 10kgs. I fear that all those kilograms were stored around my waist as that is the area that was previously vacuum packed!  No longer…

But still…
Still I have this tendency to give up. On day 22 of the change-of-life I was off. I ate a whole packet of peanuts and justified it by saying ‘it is healthier than chocolate’! Yeah right! That night I was sickened at how quickly I gave in. I decided then and there that I do not want to be “the one that came so close but then gave up”. So I plucked out my food journal and started to map out the next few weeks. I was determined to be strong. To see this through. To not give up. Until…
06:00 am and we were supposed to be on the quayside already! But Caroline was not there. She is the one that sets the pace and keeps the time. In some institutions she is the warden. Here she is the friend with rights…Rights to refuse me chocolate. Rights to tell me to stop eating. Rights to push me when I want to give up. This morning she was not there. I was not going to wake her up. That is something you are not allowed to do. Its like voluntarily jumping in with piranhas! (Not that she is one – but I would never risk my life like that! Plus she has warned many not to go there…) I wanted to give up. I wanted to go to bed. But I was determined to walk. But not to determined. In my sinful giving up mode I was set on only walking for 30 minutes if it even got that far. But Bethany (with a 50% knee – because its hurting) had other plans. We walked for 40 minutes. No Warden…I felt so proud of us since we did walk even though it is not our favourite thing to do. And we managed to do it without Caroline! ( I like her – my point is just that I had to ‘prove’ that I was not going to give up!)
PLUS:
My heart is soaring. Captain Jack Sparrow recently described it as ‘stirrings’. I do not know how I can be this honest in this email/post yet not be so honest with the people I need to be. Long story…
And not to mention:
In spite of all the good things happening in my life right now, home is still where my pain lies. The issues back home are just a mess. I feel like a pawn in a very VERY sick and twisted version of chess. (This is where the idea for the artwork started). I am in the middle of everything. My dad hurts. I hear it. My mom hurts. I hear it. My sister hurts. I hear it. I hurt…they can’t see it. I trust that God will sort out this issue. I honestly do. When it gets tougher and I want to cry more, I have to remind myself that God WILL use this for His glory. When I want to give up, I need to remind myself (as God recently taught me) to just put one foot in front of the other and march on. He has got my back! He will take care of me, my heart and my family.

PS: Deurmekaar spul translates to ‘mess’ but that is just too strong a word for my life now.

new art!

So i had to get this out...this is about the divorce, the feeling and the family. The picture is not the best quality. I will upload a better one later. Enjoy the day!

a cry for comfort

All I want to do right now is eat chocolate.

I am angry.

I am semi-depressed.

I am seeking comfort.

This has not been the most joyful day and I desperately want to go lay in the arms of my duvet.

Lack of sleep is definitely playing a role.

My love for chocolate has been tested twice already.

I fear I am not strong enough to resist this.

It doesn’t help me that you are telling me it is okay to eat chocolate because it is not.

It doesn’t help me that you offer me cookies and popcorn and cake…I don’t need it, I need Jesus.

It doesn’t help that I am feeling this low…

 

LORD give me strength please…

Help me to resist and flee from temptation.

Help me to love my neighbours even when they cause me to work double as hard because they were sleeping in a meeting weeks ago.

Please help me be joyful LORD…I can only hear the chocolate calling and the muscles aching…

LORD help me!

 

 

One thing I am sure of, two I regret...

Update time.
I am on day 12 of the challenge…and I am being challenged - there is no question of that. Yesterday morning I got up at 05:30 in order to be ready at 06:00 to go walking. Yes…that early because I couldn’t sleep as the excitement was just too much. (But I will deny that if someone asks!) So at 06:00 we met in the lobby and marched down the gangway, out the port gate, along the seashore. It was such a beautiful walk. I was listening to some worship music and appreciated seeing God’s handiwork up close. The ocean was vicious as the waves crashed against the rocks. The sky changed colour every other minute. Every step was different. I walked, full throttle (!), for the whole hour. Yesterday around 16:00 I started to regret that decision. This brings me to my Biblically inspired title. This is the first of my regrets. Today I am not puffing up the stairs…I am moaning! Every step hurts! To be honest the regret will not last long. I feel alive, energetic and healthy. (Again I will deny this if anyone asks!) And the big part…I did not die!!! J

The second regret comes in the form of a decision I made. I have recently had a batch of honest water or something. I can’t seem to keep things in anymore and I feel the need to be truthful. This can be dangerous! So I confronted a friend last night. We have been joking around for months and my magnet heart decided to get attached. Before it stuck I wanted to make sure that this was serious and not a joke. So I, Liezel, the shy non-confrontational soul, invited him for coffee last night. (I got permission from the ‘authorities’ onboard to have this chat.) So there I was, beating around the bush for one minute and then cut to the chase. As soon as the words left my mouth he was paged and called away. GREAT! The gentleman that he is, told me that this (conversation) was important, but he needed to go because the barge with the freshwater was alongside. DOUBLE GREAT! (Background: Freshwater delivery has been very bad here. We have had periods without freshwater and sometimes wondering when the next shower would be. So yes…this was more important). He promised to go and connect the hose and then return to finish the conversation. I sat there. Alone. Only my thoughts to keep me company. I started to write some poetry in my head. (I’ve fallen in love with this form of expression lately!) An eternity later someone told me that there was telephone for me. It was him. I had to go down to the bunker station so we could continue this conversation there. I went even though everything in me yelled ‘ABORT!! ABORT’ I was a woman on a mission and nothing was going to stop me…
So there we sat. The shy girl and the gentleman. We talked and talked for another eternity. To make a very long theatrical story short, he just wanted to be friends. The comments were just jokes – he meant nothing by that. (Calm down bruised heart.) We talked some more and decided to get to know each other better. But the damage had been done. From now on it would just be ‘awkward’. I hate awkward. (Hence the FB status!) If I wanted awkward I would go home and have tea with both my parents, at the same time, in the same room!

The third part…the thing that I am sure of is that this season is the challenging one. The oven to my clay. The storm to my ark. The fire to my samurai sword. It is not as easy as it looks. I have had moments of failure when I just wanted to feel better and convinced myself that the box of Turkish delight would do it. (Like last night after the conversation. I was happy to have defined our friendship but sad at the awkwardness that lay ahead). I am finding it hard to stay true to my new ideals. I am not on a diet. I am simply evaluating what I am eating and my reasons for doing so. Like now…I am hungry, sad and frustrated. The hunger suggests that I eat something. Valid point. But the sadness and the frustration is driving me to find comfort in the arms of the nice smelling cookie. (I have not given in yet…and I pray LORD that You will help me overcome this.) Through this challenge I want to crave God. I want to desire Him and His love like I desire and crave the cookie, like I desire the love of my ‘lewensmaat’ who is out there…

 

So friends…this is day 12.

Hi my name is Liezel...I am 27 and I puff!

I am on day 10 of the challenge. Today’s challenge is the one that scares me most. Exercise…

 

In the past I used to go for a power walk every other morning at 06:00. That was about 2 years ago. Ages…Now, two years later I am unfit, overweight and I puff! I puff!! Like some old lady climbing a mountain. I AM 27 YEARS OLD AND I PUFF! O dear…

 

I fear a heart attack because of the unfit state I find myself in. I fear that tomorrow you will be reading my headstone: ‘Hear lies Liezel, she puffs no more’. But I fear in vain. God sees my puffing heart and knows that I am doing this in order to honour Him with a healthy heart and body.

 

I have walking shoes, 2 friends to keep me accountable and a will to start with this tomorrow morning!

 

So dear friends, if you happen to be awake at 06:00 tomorrow morning, pray that my puffing will not be the end of me…

Relapse...

I’m in a foul mood today.

Sunshine has been replaced by thunder.

A smile with a frown.

Good intentions with chocolate.

I should run away.

Run away from the stress!

Run away from the anger!

Run away from the chocolate in my drawer!?

NO!

I should get over it and face this challenge head on.

I should ask God to help me overcome this.

I should stop typing this email/post and just go pray…

 

Confessions of a soon-to-be-reformed comfort eater

Confession time…

I always prided myself on being a comfort eater. It is not the best thing to be proud of! Over the last few days God has brought me to the point where I see it (comfort eating) for what it is, sin. It took me a lifetime to get here. Seriously. I have been on almost every diet South Africa has to offer. I have had the drops you add to tea that takes your appetite away. Did the high protein diet where I lost 30 kgs for the Matric Farewell (and gained it slowly over the next 2 years). I have starved myself to the point of fainting because I believed that that is what the world finds attractive. Skinny, hungry ladies who look good in kids sized dresses. Being a people pleaser did not help. It took one old gentlemen in my church to push me over the edge. Coming back from Doulos after she was decommissioned (very emotional time=comfort eating) he turned to me and said: “Wow…you have gained a LOT of wait”. I didn’t eat for the next week…well I did, but it was 5 provitas in the morning, and 5 in the evening.

As I looked at the pictures of our break I was disgusted at what I saw. How did I let this get SO out of hand? I started thinking back and realised where it had gone wrong. It started on furlough 2008. There was a guy I was totally in love with. Yes…part of the story has to include the truth. Before I left the ship, I asked him what he wanted from my home country. He answered ‘just bring back yourself’. These words sent my heart racing and inspired a very beautiful artwork. Weeks into my time at home I got a phone call from my bestest friend explaining that he is in a relationship with another girl onboard. (we call it SP…long story). I remember talking with her for a few more minutes, then running to the fridge once we said goodbye. From there my eating habits changed. How else was I to mend my very shattered heart? I tore up the artwork. (picture attached) Even after venting through pencil I did not feel better. I turned to the open arm of my trusted kelvinator fridge. When my stomach was full, I was happy. While eating I was so enthralled by the tastes that my mind did not turn to my aching heart. I was distracted…it lasted 3 times a day. Add the cupboard raids in-between meals and you have trouble.

I returned to the ship and avoided my friend. It only lasted so long because he was such a good friend and I did not want to lose him because of my little crush (which was not so little!). To make a long story short I did eventually get over the ‘not-so-little’ crush. My friend is getting married soon to one of the most precious ladies I know and I am so happy for them.

Fast forward to the end of Doulos and another eating frenzy begins. I still have not really dealt with the hundreds of goodbyes and the many many tears I wanted to cry but didn’t. The Doulos has been my home for 4 years. I found friendship and acceptance there. God taught me so many lessons there… I also found Carl’s Jr, KFC, MacDonald’s and the Singaporean food court during those last months. Once back in South Africa I was confronted with the issues back home and found comfort in Cadbury, Fritos, Fanta, pizza and many other non-rice dishes. The story goes on and on…

Saturday night I was reading the daily encouragement that is sent out by one of my newly discovered websites. (http://www.crosswalk.com/) Up to that point I had been crying about my weight and making jokes in an attempt for others not to make fun of me. Sort of beating them to the chase. I wanted to change, I wanted to turn to God. I wanted Him to fill the holes in my little life. I didn’t want to run to food to fill my desires, wait for a husband to fill those holes or find comfort in unhealthy or unbalanced friendships. I wanted God. I needed God. I was in need of help. At the bottom of that day’s encouragement I found a link to a website that I believe will change my life. This lady writing it had similar struggles. ( http://madetocrave.org/) I signed up to the 21 day challenge. I want God to be the One I crave. The One I turn to when life is throwing stones at me. (This has been happening way too often lately!) I am on day 5 of the challenge and I have discovered many truths as I reflected on the daily challenge.

1) I can not blame anyone for my weight. I am the one that let it get out of hand.

2) I am overweigh physically and underweight spiritually

3) God made me for more than this failure…

4) I have to turn to the Truth in the moment my cravings tempt me.

5) God will help me through this.

So friends, please pray for me as I seek God in these cravings. Pray that I will seek God when life gets to hard to handle…